Think Your Teen is Tough on You? Wait Until You Hear Their Inner Voice.

During the teenage years, development takes a fascinating turn—it's like someone turned up the volume on self-awareness. Remember when your toddlers believed the universe revolved around them, or when your 7-year-old stole the spotlight at a wedding without a second thought? Well, that stage is pretty much over once your child hits the tween/teen years.

Teenage years are a magical time of development. Kids become acutely aware of their surroundings, developing empathy, compassion, and social consciousness. It's an exciting time for them to explore what they care about and start forming their own values. Of course, these values are still heavily influenced by home life, but they’re also starting to question different viewpoints and form their own opinions.

But here's the catch: with this newfound awareness comes a level of self-consciousness that’s uniquely intense. Teens’ heightened awareness of those around them can reach almost comically painful levels. They often project this heightened sensitivity onto their parents. Suddenly, if you do something a bit quirky, they’re convinced that everyone’s eyeing you with the same intensity they do. It’s as if they think they're walking around with a personal paparazzi crew. And don’t be surprised if everything you do becomes the ultimate source of their embarrassment.

What we don’t always hear is the internal dialogue these teens are grappling with, which can be brutal. As a therapist, one of my tasks is to help teens become aware of their inner voice and understand its impact on their mood. The self-talk I encounter daily is often surprisingly harsh. This internal monologue is their constant companion, and when it turns critical, it can cause a lot of pain.

For anxious or depressed teens, this inner voice can be relentless—much harsher than anything they’d say to a friend or even their parents. Bringing awareness to this voice can be enlightening for teens. For instance, realizing that the negative self-talk they experience before a game or test might be fueling their anxiety can be eye-opening. This will be a game changer in increasing the self confidence of your teen. 

The first step in addressing this is awareness, followed by self-compassion. Teens often need to retrain their automatic thoughts from being harsh critics to supportive companions. Moving from “Why am I so stupid?” to “I’m still learning” or “Math is challenging, and it’s okay to make mistakes” can be transformative.

Of course, part of parenting a teen involves setting boundaries. It’s important to show them that while embarrassment is a part of life, it shouldn’t lead to disrespect or hurtfulness—especially toward parents. If you notice your teen becoming overly critical of those around them, it’s worth exploring where this is coming from. It’s easy to react with anger or dismiss it as meanness, but often, there’s a harsher inner voice at play. Feel free to reach out if you need support in navigating this process.