Transforming Holiday Disappointment with the 'Both/And' Mindset"
For those who are looking forward to the celebrations this week, holidays are often filled with excitement and high expectations. Traditions, by definition, are "the transmission of customs or beliefs from generation to generation"—basically, the stuff we pass down so future generations can have a great excuse to argue about which side dish deserves the top spot on the Thanksgiving table. Naturally, we approach holidays with a vision of how they will unfold, often coupled with a sense of hope (and a pinch of stress). This anticipation is part of the holiday magic. However, when reality doesn’t align with those expectations, disappointment can quickly steal the spotlight, leaving joy in the dust like that last slice of pie no one wants to claim.
Holidays have a unique ability to highlight the disappointments we typically manage to avoid the rest of the year, especially when it's time to make family plans. One of the most common sources of letdown I hear about is the size or closeness of family gatherings. People often picture the perfect Thanksgiving— surrounded by warmth, love, and connection. The image is clear: the ideal holiday scene. Think Hallmark channel before the end credits.
But here's the thing: black-and-white thinking can be a major obstacle. We sometimes trap ourselves in the belief that if the celebration wasn’t big enough or didn’t follow the "right" traditions, then it wasn’t worth it. If that resonates with you, I invite you to try a "both/and" mindset. This allows multiple truths to coexist—like, you can feel both thankful and frustrated at the same time. While it may not be a groundbreaking idea, in a world that often promotes a zero-sum approach to emotions and experiences, embracing "both/and" can unlock some seriously new possibilities.
Holidays can be messy and beautiful. Gatherings can be small and filled with love. Thanksgiving can be distant and connected. Disagreements and respect can absolutely exist at the same time (especially when someone tries to bring up politics over mashed potatoes).
If the holidays have you anticipating disappointment instead of joy, try the "both/and" mindset, and maybe one or two of the following:
Be Aware of the Source of Your Expectations: Reflect on where your expectations are coming from. Are they based on movies, TV shows, or the idealized version of your life that only exists in your head? If so, maybe it’s time to hit the reset button.
Manage Your Wants: Strive for realistic and flexible expectations. You can dream of a flawless dinner, but don’t be surprised when your dog eats the turkey. It happens.
Celebrate Unexpected Wins: Recognize when things turn out better than anticipated. Gratitude will come in handy here.
Embrace Uncertainty: Life is unpredictable (especially with extended family around). Accepting this can reduce the pressure on your holiday gatherings and let you enjoy the moments as they come.
So, as you head into the holiday season, remember: it’s okay if everything doesn’t go according to plan. In fact, it might just be better that way.
