Why Does My Teen Make Unhealthy Relationship Choices
Understanding Teen Relationships: Why Loneliness Drives Their Decisions
On the long list of worries we have about our teens are their relationships—whether they're friendships or romantic connections. These relationships can have a profound impact on their lives, shaping their self-worth, decision-making, and emotional development. However, it's important to remember that not all teens naturally know how to form healthy relationships, and they may sometimes end up in situations that don’t align with their values.
Forming healthy relationships takes time, practice, emotional maturity, and solid communication skills—things that are still developing in most teenagers. According to Dr. Lisa Damour, a leading expert on teen mental health, adolescence is a period when teens are working to separate from their parents and define their own identities. This process, called "separation-individuation," is not just about gaining independence but also about exploring who they are apart from their family. As a result, peer relationships move to the forefront of their decision-making, often surpassing family connections in importance. Teens are driven to find their "tribe"—a group of peers who provide support, validation, and a sense of belonging. This deep desire for social connection can make the fear of loneliness incredibly intense, pushing them to prioritize friendships or romantic relationships, even if those connections are unhealthy or misaligned with their values. The need to be accepted and included can sometimes outweigh the desire to be healthy, making it more difficult to recognize when relationships are not serving them well.
This fear of being alone can drive many of the choices teens make in relationships, even when they are with people who may not treat them well. Whether it’s staying friends with unkind peers, remaining in unhealthy romantic relationships, or tolerating toxic dynamics in group settings, the fear of loneliness often outweighs the fear of being mistreated. Teens may worry about being judged or labeled as "mean," "boring," or "no fun" if they distance themselves from certain people. The desire to fit in, be accepted, and avoid social rejection can cause them to stay in situations that are damaging to their mental and emotional health. In many cases, teens may not even recognize that they’re sacrificing their well-being for the sake of maintaining these connections, as the emotional pain of loneliness feels far more immediate and overwhelming.
The impact of this fear can vary widely. For some teens, it might manifest as frustration, confusion, or internal conflict when navigating friendships that don’t feel healthy but seem necessary for social survival. For others, this fear of isolation can lead them to stay in damaging or even dangerous romantic relationships, believing that being with someone, even someone unkind, is better than being alone. In these cases, the emotional toll can be significant, with teens becoming more anxious, withdrawn, or depressed. If you notice your child in a concerning or harmful relationship, it might be time to seek professional help to gain deeper insight into the root causes of their fear and provide them with the tools to cope and make healthier decisions.
How to help your child make healthier relationship decisions
Understanding this underlying fear of loneliness is key to supporting your teen through these challenging relationship dynamics. By recognizing that their decisions are often driven by a deep-seated need for belonging, you can approach the situation with empathy and patience. Help your teen develop stronger emotional resilience, improve their communication skills, and providing opportunities to build their tribe in a healthy way. With guidance and support, they can begin to understand their own decision making and look for alternative solutions that are more aligned with their values and emotional needs.
