"When Your Child Says 'I'm Ugly': How to Respond So They'll Listen"
Helping Our Kids Fight a Negative Self Image
We want to protect our kids from negative self-perceptions because, the truth is, our children are amazing, incredible, and wonderful just as they are. Not just because they’re our kids, but because they truly are. And you know what? So are you. How does that feel? How hard is it for you to really take that in? As we move forward in this conversation, I want you to keep that feeling in mind. When someone tells you you're beautiful, funny, fit, or amazing—do you truly internalize it? Or is it easy to dismiss the reassurance?
It’s important to note that our kids don't always see many examples of people being happy and confident in their own skin. It can be a tough sell when we ask them to love themselves simply because we say so.
Start with Empathy and Validation
I often sound like a broken record in my practice, but I truly believe that changing thoughts and behaviors begins with empathy and validation. For yourself and for others. Think about this: if a child is afraid of going into a dark room and you tell them, “There’s nothing scary in there, you don’t need to be scared,” that likely won’t work. Why? Because you've skipped over empathy and validation. Instead, try this: “A lot of people don’t like dark rooms because it’s scary when you can’t see everything.” You’ll likely get a very different response.
"If a child says, 'I’m so ugly,' instead of replying with, 'You’re crazy, don’t think that,' try saying something like, 'A lot of people feel unhappy about the way they look sometimes, and it doesn’t feel good, does it?' That’s empathy and validation. Rather than using a dismissive approach, it creates space for open dialogue."
Get Curious
Once you've validated their feelings, a great next step is to get curious. Ask, “Where do you think this feeling is coming from today?” or “Do you find it harder to feel good about yourself some days more than others?” Try to understand what’s different about today. Maybe someone said something unkind at school, or perhaps they’re just exhausted from staying up late. Feelings about ourselves can come from many sources—both internal and external—but often, they’ll be more intense on some days than others. Identifying what’s different on those days can be a breakthrough.
How Can I Help?
After showing empathy and getting curious, the next step is to ask how you can help. Try something like, “Are you just venting right now, or are you looking for advice?” or “Is this something I can help you with?” This simple shift helps guide the conversation and ensures you’re providing the support they truly need.
Unconditional Love
Never underestimate the power of reminding your child how wonderful they are—even if they’re not in a place to fully absorb it at the moment. This is the perfect time to tell them what you love about them or compliment a recent accomplishment. Reaffirming your love for them—no matter what—is always a good thing.
Model Self-Compassion and How to Accept Compliments
Okay, parents, this is the tough part. It takes consistency, but the more our kids see us practice positive self-regard, the easier it will be for them to try it themselves. When someone gives you a compliment, model how to receive it with grace. Here are a few examples to practice:
“Thank you for the nice compliment.”
“That was kind of you to say.”
“Wow, I really appreciate that.”
Avoid adding a “but” at the end of these statements. Just accept the compliment for what it is, and your child will learn how to do the same.
